Posted by: Midsummernight | February 12, 2006

Sometimes I wonder

Do you ever feel like you want something but you never seem to be able to get there? Darling husband and I started a class today about Financial Peace. We have always wanted to be debt free (who doesn’t really?) but never seem to be able to get there. The class is being taught at our local church by a couple who is good friends of ours. So the first mission we have is to get $1000 in a savings account for a emergency fund. Luckily this is tax season so we can do this with minimal effort on our part. What is unlucky about this is that we are not scrimping and saving that $1000 and really working at it. It would feel like so much more of an accomplishment if we saved it that way.

I also am reading a book right now (called Strong Women, Soft Hearts) that seemingly has nothing to do with finances. It doesn’t specifically talk about finances but it has this story or was it a letter? Well, it was something anyway that talked about fear. Along with both the financial class and the book was a email from the Fly Lady. It was amazing when I read it as it hit the nail on the head so to speak. Unfortunately, I can’t find the email (sorry) but between all three things I have been thinking today.

Why don’t we get where we want? Do what we want? The fear of being successful is scary. The fear of not having debt is scary. Maybe, just maybe if I have no debt it means that I am an adult. That I have to be responsible (or reliable if you ask darling husband). Maybe it means that I choose my path in life. I don’t have to go about hoping and praying something bad will not happen but plan for the inevitable instead. Maybe that means that I have to trust that God will be there when something does. Life doesn’t give me guarantees and somehow I think that by having what I want and heck I “deserve it” means that I have a little more control over everything. If I have the emergency fund that means that I honestly believe something will happen someday and that I will need that money for something. Something like James’ early birth. Something scary, something I can’t control and something I certainly didn’t plan for in life. Maybe it is in a small way admitting that I am not in control, that I never was and never will be.

But maybe it also means that I will be ok. That someday when the car breaks down (which it will) or when a baby is born premature (which I pray will never happen again, to me or anyone else -Please support March of Dimes– Ok leaving my soap box) anyway, it may also mean that there won’t be stress about money. That it will quit being such an issue in my marriage. There will be money to retire with. There won’t be worries about what happens if darling ever gets laid off, or has knee surgery. It means that as a whole I just might be better off.

I guess I rambled through this whole post (and even debated even posting it) but I think that what I am trying to say is that even though it sucks, even if saving money is hard, even if not eating out, not getting the video camera I really want right now and even if I can’t get it all that I will be ok. I don’t have to keep up with the Jones’. I don’t have to live in fear, I can trust God with everything. My husband, my kids, my finances and my heart – everything.

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