My big huge glaringly obvious issue is fear. I pray more about fear than anything (anything) else. I know my sense of security is off due to being involved in two (!) bank robberies. Never never never going to work at a bank ever again. I do almost all my banking online or through drive-ups just so I don’t have to walk into them. Yes I have issues. I am well aware of them, and like them. Thank you very much.
Even without stepping foot inside a bank (ever again!) I still struggle with fear. Being a Christian doesn’t keep me safe. Trusting in God doesn’t keep me safe. Praying my heart out will not keep me safe. I have a hard time with this. A really hard time. I am a servant of the most high God and He will not guarantee me safety?! A very close friend of mine struggles with this as well and we talked about it the other day. Granted her fears and mine are not the same, but it comes down to the same thing. Trust. We have to trust. Every. Single. Day. Trust that no mater what happens down here, God is with us. There is no other option. I don’t have anywhere else to go but God.
I worry lately about things that I can not control at all. I really want to run away from the whole thing. Literally. I was telling P today that I want to pack up all our stuff and move about an hour away. I just don’t feel safe in this little town anymore. I am scarred to go on walks for fear that one specific gentleman will see the kids and I leaving or going to our house and know where we live. I avoid one half of town if I do go on walks, not a small feat considering the size of the town. And while I know that even if something did happen, God is still there. Always.
I just wish sometimes that we had some sort of guarantee. I know we live in a fallen world and that the result of that is icky stuff (wow, my language skills are going down the drain talking to toddlers all day) will happen. I realize the futility of God protecting every single believer from everything. Honestly think, if you were not a Christian and only non-Christians had bad stuff happen would you believe out of love and faith or for the fringe benefits of a easy life? Yes, I know that doesn’t even begin to start explaining why He allows what He does but it is logical.
I have heard enough stories through Focus on the Family, or Family Life Today, or even from people in my own church to know that God works all things to His glory. That doesn’t mean that what ever happened didn’t still suck (language skills, really) and that it was good that something happened. But He does still work all things to His glory and goodness. So that is what I lean on lately. Even if something does happen someday, God will use that for good. Eventually. That is where my trust lies. The basic knowledge that God is good, all the time (One of the few statements we regularly say in church). But He is good. And come what may I know He is good