Posted by: Midsummernight | August 7, 2008

Fear

My big huge glaringly obvious issue is fear.  I  pray more about fear than anything (anything) else.  I know my sense of security is off due to being involved in two (!) bank robberies.   Never never never going to work at a bank ever again.  I do almost all my banking online or through drive-ups just so I don’t have to walk into them. Yes I have issues.  I am well aware of them, and like them.  Thank you very much.

Even without stepping foot inside a bank (ever again!) I still struggle with fear.  Being a Christian doesn’t keep me safe.   Trusting in God doesn’t keep me safe.  Praying my heart out will not keep me safe.  I have a hard time with this.  A really hard time.  I am a servant of the most high God and He will not guarantee me safety?!  A very close friend of mine struggles with this as well and we talked about it the other day.  Granted her fears and mine are not the same, but it comes down to the same thing.  Trust.  We have to trust. Every. Single. Day.  Trust that no mater what happens down here, God is with us.  There is no other option.  I don’t have anywhere else to go but God.

I worry lately about things that I can not control at all.  I really want to run away from the whole thing. Literally.  I was telling P today that I want to pack up all our stuff and move about an hour away.  I just don’t feel safe in this little town anymore.  I am scarred to go on walks for fear that one specific gentleman will see the kids and I leaving or going to our house and know where we live.  I avoid one half of town if I do go on walks, not a small feat considering the size of the town.  And while I know that even if something did happen, God is still there.  Always.

I just wish sometimes that we had some sort of guarantee.  I know we live in a fallen world and that the result of that is icky stuff (wow, my language skills are going down the drain talking to toddlers all day) will happen.   I realize the futility of God protecting every single believer from everything.  Honestly think, if you were not a Christian and only non-Christians had bad stuff happen would you believe out of love and faith or for the fringe benefits of a easy life?  Yes, I know that doesn’t even begin to start explaining why He allows what He does but it is logical.

I have heard enough stories through Focus on the Family, or Family Life Today, or even from people in my own church to know that God works all things to His glory.  That doesn’t mean that what ever happened didn’t still suck (language skills, really) and that it was good that something happened.  But He does still work all things to His glory and goodness.  So that is what I lean on lately.  Even if something does happen someday, God will use that for good.  Eventually.  That is where my trust lies.  The basic knowledge that God is good, all the time (One of the few statements we regularly say in church).  But He is good.  And come what may I know He is good

Posted by: Midsummernight | August 4, 2008

Numbers don’t add up

1 Room full of construction equipment (still).

2 Unpainted walls (still).

3 Kids.

4 Bee stings (1 kid).

5 Loads of laundry. Or 6.  Or 10…

149 Unread emails, unable to count the number of read but not delt with yet.

153 Blog posts unread on Bloglines.

200+ Unwritten posts in my head.

Sigh.  I feel like I am never going to catch up.

Posted by: Midsummernight | May 30, 2008

Hiatus

We have been amazingly busy during my blogging hiatus.  P and I finished cabinets:

Hung lights, planted a garden, painted (Lots!), and unpacked a ton of boxes.  I have also been out checking the garage sales and have found some awesome deals!

Also found a mattress for the baby’s crib (she has a bassinet she uses right now), a train for around the Christmas tree (P has always wanted one), a dragon costume for Halloween that Aden wears everywhere now (pick your battles, right?) and more clothes for the baby. Tons of stuff!  I love garage sales (P?  Not so much). :)

Posted by: Midsummernight | May 29, 2008

Lucy

I have always loved Gone With the Wind.  There is just something about that movie that draws me to it.  I first saw it a friends house during a sleepover.  She couldn’t believe that I had never seen it!  We watched the whole thing and I was enraptured.  I loved the everything about it.  The great love story, the determination at the end, the deep southern drawl, and the dresses.  Oh the dresses!   The beautiful wide southern dresses!  I dreamed of prancing around in those dresses.  I have always just loved that movie.  The I love Lucy show I never quite got.  I tried watching it a few times and the antics were never quite something I really enjoyed.  I always felt so sorry for her poor husband trying to deal with her craziness.  Try as I may today I feel nothing like Scarlet, that beautiful southern belle, however, today I feel much more like Ricky.  Mainly because when I walk in the door I feel like shouting “Lucy, I’m HOME!!!”  I’m home.

Posted by: Midsummernight | April 11, 2008

When P almost died

Ok, ok so I might be a little melodramatic. Just a little. But really to me, P almost died. A little background might help. Years ago I went to a wonderful banquet with my mom and sister. The speaker was this amazing women who spoke about her experience as a amputee. From what I recall she had lost both arms and legs due to a bacteria infection that almost took her life. Somewhere in her life she had lost her spleen, which makes bacteria infections deadly. I listened to this woman’s story in utter amazement. It was a miracle that she was alive.

Shortly after P and I started dating I ended up telling him this woman’s story. I got all done telling him this amazing story and he said “Huh, ya know I don’t have a spleen either.” “WHAT?!!!” Here I am the queen of worry and I am dating a man without a spleen?! So for years now any time P gets sick I gently urge strongly suggest intensely question him to find out if it might be a bacteria infection and if we need to go into the ER. In the almost eight years we have been together it has never been a bacteria infection. Until three weeks ago.

I panicked. Slightly. Amazingly enough, doctors are really not that panicked about it when you catch it early enough. Though he ended up at the ER twice in two days, and at the clinic for tests for a third day they never seemed that worried. Sure they were cautious and really watched him. But in the end they still sent him home each day. Yes, with massively strong anti-bacterial drugs and strict very very strict discharge instructions. But home none the less. It was a tad surreal to say the least. Here is this thing that I have been petrified of happening for years now and the doctors are fairly nonchalant about the whole thing.

So to me P almost died. For five seven? days he took massively strong drugs and watch the infection site daily, and I panicked. I have now told him that under no circumstances is he ever allowed to do that again because I don’t think I could handle another five seven? days of intense worry. He has gracefully offered to fulfill my wish if he ever gets a say in the matter. He is so sweet like that. Me? I am just glad he didn’t die.

Older Posts »

Categories

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.